


After the Massacre

by RenatusD



Category: Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Jedi Temple, Jedi Training, Multi, Original Character(s), Post-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, jedi academy, kylo ren murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2016-02-05
Packaged: 2018-05-12 00:53:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,097
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5647930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RenatusD/pseuds/RenatusD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In between Episode 6 and 7, and after the murders Kylo Ren committed at Luke's Jedi academy, there was but one young Jedi that escaped. The young, powerful Jedi hopes to seek justice for the deaths of the innocent by stopping Kylo Ren and his master, Supreme leader Snoke, but will hatred and vengeance lead her into the dark side?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There are no goodbyes for the dead. When one dies, that is it. An unexpected cut from existence, and all the time you thought you had is gone forever. Children think themselves immortal, and everyone around them thinks nearly the same. I thought this too, like everyone else. I think about the younglings quite a bit. I remember their still corpses while I starred at them expecting them to rise from the blooded ground. Their eyes were open and bodies were warm as if nothing was different. As I stayed beside them, and the longer I waited, the colder they got. The silence was the most painful as only I was breathing. It's odd feeling when bodies surround you. You don't realize a breath has a sound until it's gone. I don't like to remember though I do everyday.  
My last stop before I leave is the academy, but I only stand on the outside to get a clear picture. Doing so helps me fight the feeling of pain and anger. The walls, even from the outside, hold the screams of children and young adults. I close my eyes as the feeling surges through my spine, echoing into my head. I hold my breath and let the pain numb from feeling the dead. Then I turn around, get into my ship and leave before they can hold me there forever.  
I leave to the nearest galaxy where there are talks of Ben being there. He supposedly does interrogation of the many that pass by. To me that seems desperate, or an order, or perhaps both. I remember him as a reckless, hot-headed, and obsessed padawan, and more or less a mistake. I knew our master could see his anger, but he wanted to control Ben. He thought he could anyway. I think even Jedi can be foolish, knowing what is and still having faith in their own end result. I cannot blame Master Luke for desiring the best outcome. Either way, Ben would have grown powerful, and there was only one path he hoped for him. I hoped for the same. When I arrive to the planet, I can immediately sense his presence and my own fear. I stand for a moment in my ship remembering the children and the ones I loved, then I begin to feel nothing at all. The planet is full of green and water. A beautiful place, but it is no place for a Sith to hold. I sense traders a mile from my location, and I head there. Every step I take feels unusual, as if I'm heavier than normal. I cannot sense what this is, but for the present moment, there is nothing I can do about it. The first trader I see is nothing more than a fruit stand. Then down the line are several others selling furs, meat, and tech that is more or less garbage. As more traders come into view, there is much less greenery. The area begins to seem more like a city. A salesman at every corner in fancier buildings. Large restaurants, bars, and hotels fill the city. This almost feels as if I'm in the wrong place, but I know he is on this planet. I know. I walk into the fourth bar I've come across, and I figure I can ask questions. The place is alive and filled with smoke. Every kind of being resides in here for whatever reason. The bartender seems to watch me with suspicion. I take a place at the counter next to a massive creature with black eyes and another who looks fairly human. The bartender has a large, muscular right arm and the other is robotic. I nod to him, "A drink, any kind as long as it's strong." He nods back and fills a small glass with something gray. I take a sip, and the taste is unbelievably bitter and strong. I watch him move into the backroom, and I hear him whisper, "I've found a Jedi." 


	2. Discovered

I smile to myself for a moment, so they have discovered a Jedi.  
This wasn't the way I intended meeting Ben, but this way will do. Robot arm comes back out and keeps his eye on me. I continue to sip my drink as best as I can despite the flavor. I lean against the bar and glance at what looks at the camera. I smile comes across me again, and the bartender carries an angry glance. I whispered in hopes he hears me, "When are they coming?"   
His eyes meet mine in a quick exchange, and he rips a pistol from underneath the bar holding it against me. I stay still, just as everyone else is in the bar. The rowdy sound dies instantaneously. Every creature draws their attention to me. I see inside most of their minds as I invite the them into my senses. I turn the focus away from me, making them forget I was ever here and making myself invisible. The sounds slowly pick back up again, and only Robot arm knows I'm here. No one pays attention to him or me.   
I say quietly, "I'll go easily. I would just like to know when they are coming."   
He breathes heavily. He's panicked, and from what I can sense, in fear of his life. He sees me as a threat, as a being that would end his life for no reason other than because I can. I assume he's been brainwashed. Likely, everyone in here has been the same. I allow him to hold his gun there while I wait. I hold my drink, and then I hear the steps in motion moving fast and sudden. Storm-troopers invade the room guns drawn at me. I hold my hands up with ease, just as I said. I watch Robot arm, and his panic only rises. I can't help but wonder why.   
They swiftly arrest me and place me in a vehicle. I ride with a metallic trooper who holds her gaze consistently. I watch her back. I say lightly, "Phasma."   
She doesn't react or respond. She only stares through her helmet. I bid my time in silence. I know that's how it will be for the next hour. 

They send me to a room I can tell is made for intimidation, and with some force they put me inside a bodily contraption. I may of gone with ease, but they don't seem to expect me to keep such up. I lean my head back in attempt to make comfort for myself, but there is no comfortable position. I can feel his presence in the air. i have fear in me, but I keep it still and quiet. A young man walks in with jet black hair and blood stained knuckles. I know what he is, but he seems like something too brute to me, not the exact style of the First Order. He bears their uniform though, and he looks at me almost to be in awe.   
He tilts his head up and asks, "Tell me what you know."   
I raise my eyebrow, "I won't be doing that. You will remove my restraints and give me your uniform." He immediately begins removing them and takes off his uniform, "Good." I say as I place on his uniform on, "You will sit in that corner and wait."   
I leave the room while I watch the minds of those around me. This is a juggling process, but only they will tell me the location. Most of their minds are rigged with petty thoughts until I see her again, Phasma. I quickly loop my way around her down a hall leading to command controls, or so it would seem. A man with red hair in an officer's uniform passes by me with urgency. I can see vaguely for a second that he is off to deliver information. I follow after him. He turns into a separate room, and I wait next to the door. Ben is in there, and I attempt to make myself invisible.   
The officer says to him, "The girl hasn't been seen for a few days. He believes her to be dead. Should we send a search party after her?" He's afraid, so afraid that it is unnerving to even me.   
Ben says fiercely, "Why hasn't there been a search party already?"   
The officer hesitates, "I-I wasn't sure-"  
"Sure that she mattered!" He yells, and there is a loud clatter of destruction, "She means more than your pitiful mind will ever understand." A pause lingers, "Go!" He yells.   
The officer leaves the room in a hurry with a shaken demeanor, and shortly after Ben follows. He doesn't see me, just as I hoped. I can't defeat him here. There are too many others, so I keep my distance behind him. He seems different yet unchanged. He moves down a long, larger hallway that lacks life, and then leads to even larger doors. He turns as if to notice me, and for a moment I can sense him sensing me.   
He turns right at me, "I know you have been following me." He says, "You want to kill me?" He asks as he moves closer in my direction.   
I hold my saber tightly in my hand, "Death would be kind."   
"Where did you get that lightsaber?" He asks as if to stall me, but I can tell he is interested.   
"I made it. There really isn't any other way." I turn my saber on and a bright orange burns in the dull lit room.   
"I suppose not," He says making his way closer to me. He hasn't touched his saber as if to say I am of no threat, "What good would come from killing me?" He reaches his hand out, and I can feel the energy sucking me in, "Vengeance." He says lightly, "Certainly not the Jedi way." He tugs more at me, "I know more about the force than you think." He breathes heavily, "You need more training. I know who can help you."   
"Who?" I ask as he forcibly turns off my saber.   
"My master."


	3. Remembering

"I did not come here to train-" I begin to rant until he interrupts me.   
"I know," His voice is bold, even through his mask, "But you can't kill me no matter how badly you want it." He draws closer near me with his hand above my head.   
I feel violated and vulnerable, but I can't close myself. My fear is too loud, and I can't pull my focus together. He nearly touches me, "They were meant to die."   
His words feel like bullets to my chest. I push him back with the force; he doesn't fall but rather stumbles. I draw my saber and swing at him with full force. He quickly pulls his crackling saber out to defend himself. The orange and red pulsates near his face like a burning flame. With his own force, he pushes me back against the hallway wall. The pain makes my head ring; he runs toward me with full force swinging like a mad man.   
I calm my mind before he swings, and I'm able to hold him there in slow motion. I can feel his frustration building as I hold him there. I could strangle him. He'd deserve such a death, wouldn't he? I know what I want isn't right, but I feel everything he has done like decay eating my flesh. I can see the deaths clearly as if it was the day of. He remembers, and I play the screams for him in his head, loud and fearful. I blast the sounds of children choking on their own blood leading to their last breaths. He's trying to stop me. Gasps escape his mouth; I push the scenes of younglings that trusted him smiling at him. I want his suffering more than his death. I let the memory of burning flesh flow through his mind. He shouts; I know what he feels. It feels like real, heart-wrenching pain. He cries,"NO!"   
"You remember!" I yell, and a foreign thought seeps through my mind; a thought from Ben: I had to do it. I shake my head, "No you didn't."   
He seething with anger and pain, "Stop!" He yells. The way he shouts almost makes me feel for him, so I let go. He falls to the ground with his saber burning beside him. He's in real pain. I know he's angry with himself, with me, but he doesn't get up. He takes off his helmet grabbing his head and crying.   
I hold my saber near his head, "Pathetic." He doesn't look up; he seems to be in a trance, "I could kill you." I say, mostly to myself.   
He looks up at me with wet eyes, "I had to." He seems lost for a second.   
His thoughts slip as if they stand at the tip of a mountain. My words move out of me, "For power," I say louder than intended, "For Snoke." I say lower. I put away my saber, killing him would serve no purpose. I ask gently, "Can I meet your master?"  
He lifts his head and nods slowly, "Yes."


	4. As Master Says

"Where is he?" I ask.   
He almost seems disillusioned, lost in space. Still looking up at me he says, "He's not here." He looks at the doors.   
I look in the same direction but only for a glance. I don't trust him in this state of what seems like empathetic anger. I look down at him, "I didn't ask if he was here." I shrug, "So where is he?"   
He stands up with his helmet in his hands, "I'll show you."  
"Fine." We both leave through the doors into a massive room. I think he's got me in a trap. There is no where for me to run, not that I would. This could be a trick, but he stands by the doors looking out into the room waiting. Before I can ask anything, a massive creature appears constructed of energy. He's unlike anything I've ever seen, disgusting and grotesque. He's not even here, and I can feel the sickening darkness that lingers over him. I wouldn't ever be able to defeat him with the bare training I have.   
He speaks slow, almost for effect, "Kylo Ren, what have we here?" He asks in a grandiose manner.   
Snoke calls him something I don't recognize. I have only heard whispers of that name, a sith name, or something like it. I find strange; he could have spoken to me first. A most unusual choice.   
Ben looks up into the eyes of the creature, "Master," he says with a mild caution, "she knows the force."  
Snoke fixes his one good eye on me, "A Jedi," he says the word like it brings fire to his mouth, "Or so she thinks." He takes a moment to speak as if to amp his presence, "I see why you have come here," he reads me, "Out of rage, hatred," his voice hisses like a snake, "Revenge. Not a Jedi at all, are you?" He leans back in his throne, "Yes, it must be difficult without a master. I could train you."   
"Why?" My voice is loud and clear, sharp as if I had intended such a sound.   
He takes a heavy breath, "You have so much power in you, and I could show you even more power than you could ever think possible." I can feel him reading me again, "Lives of the innocent, they mean very little in the universe." He breathes slowly, "You could be so much more." His voices resonates within the room.   
"I don't want more power." I close my eyes feeling ensnared in his trap. He's completely in my mind, and this creature isn't even here. My fear grows, and I know he sees it. He must.   
"You lie to yourself." His breath is slow and almost painstaking, "You want to defeat me, and you," His voice hangs over me, "Don't have a master. I could crush you, girl." He leans his head forward, "Or make you unstoppable." I look up into his good eye, "The choice is yours. Come to me when you have made a decision." Just like that his form is gone.   
I feel sickened, but not by Snoke, no, by myself. He is right in every sense he has. He can see the cracks in me. He's right. I could not defeat with the limited knowledge I maintain. If he could teach me, this would be to my advantage. I could control myself, and not fall claim to the dark side. I can still be a Jedi, couldn't I?  
Ben keeps his eye on me, awaiting a response. I fear he will know what I am thinking. He looks me in the eye, "You want to, don't you?" He moves closer to me.   
Being near him draws a well of disgust in me. He thinks me to be like him, in some way. I return the look, "Yes," I know my voice is hesitant like a lie.   
"He will know." He gives me a nod and leaves the room.   
He will know, won't he? I don't need to come back because no matter where I am he will know. The few Jedi in the world I am sure he is watching, listening, and waiting. They would all crawl to him. With Luke gone, there are no masters to show us the way. I need to learn. I can't exist in this world on my own barely using what I know. My strength is staggered while still great is limited. I could meet in the middle between the dark and the light. This is what I should do. I let him know through my own mind, "I am ready to learn. Master."   
A strange, warm slithering moves through me, "Yes..." He says, "You need a new name for this new power you will posses." I nod to myself, "Malta of the Knights of Ren. This is who you are now, and who you will become."   
I swallow, "Yes, master."


	5. First Of Many

Snoke crawls into my head, so to say, making himself apart of me. I have to convince myself that I will be alright despite this. He tells me to report to Kylo, as he calls him. I know he can sense my frustration. I thought he would want me to train under him. I should have known what I desire would not come so easily. With Ben watching me, I won't have a second to think the way I wish. I'll be caught within his webs. I will keep myself, I shall.   
I walk through the doorway, and I can't help but feel somewhat sick inside. Just like that, I'm different than what I was. So much is different from what I thought. I sigh to myself and go after Ben. I see him walking ahead of me, and like a child, I chase after him. He moves without effort like the ground he stood upon directed him. Such arrogance. He has placed his helmet back on, and I don't know why I expected him to keep it off. In a rush of fear, every trooper moves out of his way. He moves faster and faster, so I sprint up to him.   
"You can't wear an officer's uniform." He says.   
I wonder what his eyes look like now after all those tears. I shrug the thought, "I don't think that matters." I swallow, and I try to move beside him, "Master," I bite the word, "Said I should report to you."  
He waits a moment to speak as he keeps the same pace, "It does matter." He turns slightly in my direction to get a glimpse of my face, "Why?" He asks slipping into me, "You are a Knight of Ren, an officer is replaceable, useless. They have to know you are more powerful than they are."   
I'm keeping up the pace until he abruptly swoops around a corner, "And where will I get this clothing?" I ask as I tag behind.   
He waves his hand towards a doorway, "Ask Hux."   
I stop attempting to walk with him and get my uniform from this man. Walking into the room, I see him. The young man from earlier who doesn't nearly seem as timid. He stands robotically as if to await orders, "Hux?" I call for him.   
He stands behind an desk strewn with several large maps, most of them seem very old. He looks up at me, "I don't work with new-" He stops speaking, "Oh." He stares at the wall for a moment, "Your uniform will be made immediately. They only need to take measurements and make a mask for you. It will take some time." He swallows and looks at me.   
"I don't need a mask." I insist.   
"You have to have one." His voice rushes, but he is cautious in what he says. He looks back towards the wall, "You can go to room 38D4. They'll be waiting for you."   
I head down to the room while mistaking several other rooms for that room. Strange women take measurements of my body, touching me in odd places. They all wear grey uniforms and a shade of pale skin, and unlike every else, bare no mask. I assume because they have to see extremely well. None of them speak among the five of them. They keep their heads down to the ground never daring once to look me in the eye. I figure they must be slaves of some sort. Even a peak into their minds doesn't reveal much of anything. All they do is think the exact measurements to themselves. Their minds sound like ticking clocks.   
When they are finally done, each of them begins sowing on separate pieces, but they all somehow come together. Without speech, they weave the fabrics together and attach armor pieces in a seemingly sporadic manner. It's as if all of their minds are connected. I ask them, "How long will this take?"   
One of the woman looks at the other with widened eyes and speaks in another language. I try to look inside her mind, but it has spurred into a mess. She doesn't know how to handle a question on her own. The other woman who is clearly the eldest among them says, "Seventeen hours."   
I'm thrown for a second, but I realize they must do this all the time, work until work is finished. They're slaves. Even if they were to be brought into a whole new world, they could not live a different life. They've been brainwashed since birth to be what they are now. I can see that at least. They are merely a symptom birthed from the sickness the empire left.   
I leave the room before I get any ideas on being a savior. I move down the hall while the troopers watch me. Each one of them doesn't hold any thought when I do. They just want to show they are ready for orders.   
If I want to save these beings, I need information. There must be a place of some kind where they would keep any kind of documents.   
I ask one that passes by, "Is there a library here?"   
He's off-put by my question, "A library?" He doesn't understand what it is, but yet the word stirs up some familiarity.   
"A room that contains valuable information?" I suggest.   
He shakes his head, "We're not supposed to talk about that." He's not too afraid to think about the idea.   
"You do know about this then?" I ask as a group of troops move by us. They stare at him as if he was in trouble. I push him out of the hallway into an empty hall, "Look, you won't get into trouble. I only need to know where information is stored, okay?"   
He seemed hesitant, "I can't." He shook his head.   
I sighed with frustration, "What do they call you?" I was looking for a moment of genuine attention. This could crack him open.   
"Eighty Seven," He says with caution in his voice.   
I nod, "Okay, Eighty Seven." I tilt my head, "That's nice I suppose," I try to get him to look me in the eye, "I know you are a good person. I can see that. I'm only asking for your help, so I can save lives, help people."   
He stands back for a moment, "Save lives?" I don't say anything and let the words settle in his mind, "Are you with the resistance?" His voice brings force.   
"No, no." I shake my head. I hold my head, and though I don't want to I must. I hold out my hand, extending it towards his helmet, "Tell me where the information is stored." I can feel him pulling away from me.   
"What are you?" He asks, not with fear, but with curiosity.   
I pull at his mind again, "Tell me where the information is stored." I demand.   
He fights himself, and then releases, "Block M, room 57D."   
I close my eyes feeling disgusted with myself, "Thank you, Eighty Seven."   
He doesn't move from his spot, watching me with wonder, but I quickly leave. I don't know how I'll find a different block; I could barely find this room. Then the brilliant idea comes to me; ask for directions. I grab the first trooper I see after I moved around in a few directions, "Where is Block M?"   
"Um, there is no Block M, officer."   
Dammit. Either he lied to me or the rest of them do not where this area is. I walk away from the trooper and attempt to find Hux. If he's Ben's right hand, he should know. However, I don't want him to be suspicious. He'd report me without a doubt, but I need information. I move through hallways following herds of white. They don't lead anywhere really. They perform their own duties, so I leave down an empty hall. I then realize I have not been down here. There isn't a sound of single footstep to be heard. Silence, that of which frightens me most.   
I see an open room full of old books that seem to speak. This must be it. The room isn't exactly a library. It has high ceilings and two walls are lined with worn away books with slipping seeds of sound. They seem to have a pull to them as if they summon my mind desperate to be found. I touch the first one I see bound with a dark blue spine. I see a world, a world full of Jedi, promise. I can see different worlds each one of them full of Force sensitive beings. This doesn't seem real. I let go of the book; I did not realize I had pulled it completely off the shelf until it thuds on the ground.   
There is a second room connected to this one, and I discover I am in Ben's room. He has a perfectly kept large bed for himself and a set of stairs. There is something important up there. I can feel it. As I go up the stairs, I feel the calling. The feeling blends into anger, sadness, and a longing I can't describe. I see the piece before me, Darth Vader's helmet.   
A breath escapes me. This is legend...and evil. Odd sensations stir around this helmet, grand worship and desire. I don't dare to touch the helmet. I do not need more darkness than what I have already received today.   
"What are you doing?" I hear behind me his clear voice.   
I don't have an answer. I am doing what he clearly does not want me to be doing, "The books called to me, and then...this." My hand shakes.   
"The books?" He squinted at me. He steps closer, hardening his dark eyes.   
"Yes," I respond lightly, "I saw what used to be." I can see the images in my head with simply speaking about them.   
He slowly closes his eyes, "I've seen it too." His breath is slow, and he opens his eyes, focusing on the helmet, "What does He show you?"   
"Um...passion," I can sense the madness as if it pours onto my skin, "Power." I put my focus on him, and he turns his attention back to me, "Will."  
His eyes light up at the word, "Then you know." He moves closer seeming crazed by the idea, "I have a duty to fulfill." He turns to me as if now he is full of hope, "You will help me."   
"How?" I ask.   
He keeps his eyes on me and only barely blinks, "There are those who are hiding information-"  
"You want to find Luke?" In my short question, his anger flares. His jaw tightens. I try to bring back the calm, "I understand your reasoning." Slightly, "I will do what is necessary." I can hear his thoughts dripping all over the room, "He betrayed me too. I don't know where he is; he disappeared, abandoned me and everyone else." I don't like the feeling this gives me, but I fall into it.   
"I need you to find what was his. You will feel him, just like I will." He stares for an answer.   
"I will do it for you."   
We've connected, and now I can sense what he has been seeing.


	6. Bound to Promise

"This will work." He says to cleanse me of my doubts. He has so much belief in finding Luke that I could almost think he would want him back for his own sake, and not for his master's.   
I nod, "Okay." But I know this won't be okay. He's asking for what may or may not exist, and he expects me to find these artifacts based on the force. He watches me with intensity. I don't like that he is constantly trying to read me. I attempt to block him out, but he waits at the gate of my mind as he peers inside the windows from afar. He won't give me privacy so long as I am here. The only way he trusts me completely is when we are connected by the thought. I tell him, "You can trust me."   
He shakes his head slowly, "No, I cannot." He looks down upon me, "Not until our Master trusts you."   
I take a breath, "If I find him-"  
"Do not kill him." He says in a strong manner. He looks me in the eye, "Master, wants him alive." He runs his fingers through his hair in an anxious fashion, "Don't go near him either, just come back here. As soon as you find any information report to me." He commands me.  
"I will do as you ask." I keep my voice steady and monotone. I watch him pace in front of me, "Where shall I go first?" I try to seem eager to go.   
He brings his focus back on me, "There is a junk planet, Jakku. They steal remnants that hold any value. There has to be something of his there. I can sense it. Anything you find, bring back here, and" He pauses to think, "Put on your old clothes. They can't know who you are." His eyes move back to mine. Intimidating, harsh, and powerful looming upon me, "I will know if you betray me."  
I look him in the eye, and I leave. I know I've been tied to him now as well as Snoke. There is no escape, no other options, nothing more than the destruction I will have to bring by my own hands. That will be my only freedom. I don't feel afraid though; I feel strong.   
I roam around and find my old clothing. It's dirty, old, and makes me look poor as can be. I noticed these clothes don't feel like me anymore. They feel like they don't belong as if I'm wearing a disguise, well, so I am. I leave the base after a half hour of trying to find a way out. A couple of young troopers give me a ride to my ship. Just like that I take off to a planet of junk.   
I've heard of the planet, but there was never a reason for me to go there. I haven't gone much anywhere for that matter. The place is a graveyard of what used to be. I'm sure the place is great for scavengers. The likely hood Luke left anything important of his on some random dessert planet is low. Ben may feel something about the place, but I don't. He could be more powerful than I, and that's how he'd sense something there. It's a viable theory. Senses aren't what they seem to be sometimes. I can sense, almost smell a crackling fire sometimes, and I can hear Luke in my mind telling me to loosen my grasp as if it were real. Perhaps, at one point, those were in fact reality. But now I steer this ship to a desert planet in hopes of finding my former Master's artifact, so the most powerful being in the universe can attempt to destroy him. This is my reality now.  
After a few hours, Jakku comes into view. There is a certain pull about the place. I decide to land a mile from the nearest bazaar, partially to avoid an influx of attention. I hide my saber in my satchel and cover my face with pieces of torn cloth. I make my way to where lifeforms are. I can tell as I walk there that these aren't the kind of beings I want to be dealing with. They're crude and veil. They will sell anything or anyone for just about any price they see foresee. These are the kind of creatures that hang by a wire to survive on a day to day basis. They won't be giving anything to be not without a price or a fight.   
I only browse through the market looking for anything that has a pull, but nothing does. For all I know, this junk at one point could have been Luke's, but they have torn it apart and put it back together so many times that the sense is dead. A darkly colored lanky creature covered in rags gestures me to come over to his stand where I can see a collection of blue shards and dried meat. He seems to smile, I think. He doesn't really have any teeth from what I can see which begs me to question why he is selling meat. He nods, "Yes," He says delighted, "You are looking for an item of rarity, no?"   
I don't sense anything around him nor himself, but I answer truthfully, "I am."  
He seems even more thrilled, "I have something for you I do!" He springs below his stand pulling out a piece of old cloth, "See, see!"   
From initial view, it looks like tattered cloth. I look at the detail. This is a piece of map, but this is too old. Nothing important could possibly come from this, and how do I know he didn't make this himself? I don't of course. I could buy this from him, even if this is worthless. He'd get something out of it, and I might. I shrug, "I'll buy it, how much?"   
He smiles wider than I thought possible, "Trade?"   
"What do you want?" I ask.   
"Your lightsaber." He nods.   
"My-" My throat tightens, "Who are you?" I ask forcefully, "Who are you?!"   
The world goes black for a moment, and I see a world full of stars. I hear a variety of sounds. They tell me to stop, go home, get out of here. The sky brightens from the stars, burning like the end of a gun. Screams emerge from all around, but I can't see anything but the stars. I'm lost, and then the world comes back to me, slowly and somehow fast. My body shakes and vomit rises in my throat. Then there he is looking at me, the salesman, "Batteries?" He asks quizzically, looking at me with confusion. He squints, "Do you have batteries?"   
I breathe for a moment, "Yes," I nod. I stick my hand in my satchel and pick up batteries I had been saving for an emergency. I place a pile in front of him, and he quickly pulls them in his arms. I grab the cloth with caution, but nothing happens. I shove the map in my bag.   
Then I feel a pull of strength; I turn around, and there isn't anything but scavengers. One of them meets my gaze for a second. I can feel them watching me. They know I'm not from here, "Hey." I move towards them. They turn around and move quickly weaving through stands with ease, "Hey! I just want to talk to you." I run through the bazaar knocking over valuables, but they run faster than I can manage. I keep going, but then they're gone. I can't sense them anywhere. No one can hide from me like this, at least, not that I've known.


	7. The Dream/Warning

After a whole two hours of searching, I give up and return to my ship. I need sleep more than anything else, probably food too, but I can last a few days without it. I drag myself into a small bed on my ship and let my eyelids close. I can feel a force in the air, like a dream touching me. I'm so tired that I cannot focus on what's happening. I hear a voice in my head, so familiar and aged. The voice whispers  _leave this planet now before it is too late._ The words don't sound like a threat in my head. They sound like a warning. The words are so far away that I almost cannot hear them. Then there's something else, the noise of an ocean splashing hard against terrain. In the dark of my mind, I can see mountainous ranges with monuments made of stone, the most beautiful carvings in eternity. I know what they are; I remember them actually, in a dream of a dream. These are the creation of Jedi, places of peace, long gone and overrun with nature. The temples still hold their beauty and, most of all, their silence. 

Inside a temple detailed in black and grey stone holds a soul, faintly. A soul of a Jedi, torn between light and dark, a grey being. I can't recognize him; there's nothing familiar in his aura. He doesn't say anything; he lets me feel him and his journey. He shows me his struggle to survive as a child and the fear he endured. I could feel his hold for those he loved, not many held that title. He couldn't protect the woman he loved the most, the woman who birthed him, and struggled to raise him. He held on to those he loved, depending on merely himself for strength, but he was lost and alone. The Jedi could not understand him, a boy consumed by fear his entire life, wasn't anything the Jedi dealt with. He was an anomaly. 

As he kept to himself, the more lost he became. He clung to the few that he loved to keep himself held together, but those that he loved slipped further away from him each time he loomed in the darkness. He thought he needed the darkness to hold what was left of what he loved together. He believed in what he was doing by his own accord, but dealing with dark is a slippery slope, not a journey to take alone. He allowed himself to stay there to be consumed by an omnipotent force. Through his own desire, he lost those of which he loved, and to his own demise, still held on to them as he fell. 

With few attempts to linger in the light, he let his anger of loss grow. He feared being weak, thinking this was the reason he could not save those he cared about. He strength grew and festered his soul until he saw his last shred of light grow into something more capable than he ever was. He saw his loved ones, and his fear grew stronger. He couldn't let them go. He tempted them to the Dark side believing that through this they could be safe. He wanted them to burn inside, to feel what he has felt all his life. He did not realize, until their near death, that this had been his downfall. With the help of his own, he was able to be who he was; he was able to let go. 

I could see what he was telling me, but my story is not the same. I wouldn't have a fall from grace. I do not hold any attachments like he does. More importantly, I don't have a choice. I've made my decision, and I know what I must do. I am sure of what I am doing. I let go of all I'm feeling, my thoughts, and my own self to sleep in peace. 

The following morning, I go out to the markets for food initially. The same mysterious man is still selling the dried meats, but I don't buy from him. I see bowls of porridge being sold, and if that's the best I can do at this time, it'll have to do. I buy a bowl from a creature with two mouths and sit near a scrapyard of ships. The food tastes like nothing which is better than I expected. I imagine the old days when all of us would sit together, our small academy, a family of sorts. There was such a calm among us and love. I remember the way Ben's face used to look like when he was young. His eyes were so much softer, and he used to smile so big that I couldn't help but smile myself. All the children loved him even when he struggled to love them back. 

I don't like thinking about before even though those were the best times in my life. Each thought stings, so I change my thought to remembering the dead. The ones I loved with still hearts that can do nothing about what happened to them. They were too young to understand what was happening. I wasn't. I could have saved at least one of them. Instead I vanished. I made myself invisible while I watched them die like a coward. I can't just be saving myself; I have to be more than that. 

Then I see that scavenger again as I scrap up the last of my food. They haul loads of what looks like garbage to the window of a shady con. I watch them intently, and they take off their mask revealing a very young face of a girl. She pleads with the creature for a fair trade, but he insists that his trade is fair. I can tell that it is indeed not. I go over to her, only standing behind her. 

"I need a full portion. I've only gotten quarter portions for a week now, and I even brought you more." She pleads with him. 

"You bring me junk, girl! Quarter portion." He says to finalize the deal. 

I decide to intervene, "Give the girl what she earned." I keep my voice calm. 

"Because of you, eighth portion!" He says, and I throw down a couple of valuable parts I kept with me, "Three portions." 

The girl looks at me attempting to understand what is happening. I harden my stance, "I know how much that is worth. I can take my business elsewhere if you'd prefer." I warn. 

He takes in a breath that sound like he's swallowing a bucket of mucus, "Eight portions." He throws down the blue packets. 

I don't truly know if that is a good amount for what I've got, but I leave it be. I say to her, "All yours." She just stares at me with her young, bright eyes, "Take it." I tell her. 

She shakes her head, "I can't take all of that for me, no," She stares at me. 

I smile at her, "I'd just like to talk to you." 

She nods and quickly puts the blue portions in her bag. She walks with my away from the market towards my ship. She has a way about her that is genuine and unique as she walks gracefully like she can't be noticed. There is a sense in me that remembers her, like I saw her in a dream once or in a memory. I ask her when we come to a stop, "What's your name?" 

"Rey. My names Rey." She feels the need to reassure me of her presence, "What's yours?"

 I hesitate trying to think of my name. What should I tell her? Would they know that I haven't accepted who I am supposed to be now? I swallow, "Malta." I take a beat, "As you can tell I'm not from here. I came in search of something important."  I hesitate, "Do you know anything about maps, Rey?" 

She shakes her head, "No. I won't be of much use to you. I'm only a scavenger." She shrugs. 

"You know your way around here, that's what I need." The thought of having a child help me is different, "Would your parents be okay with that?" 

A moment of pain flashes across her face, "I can help you." She confirms, "I will help you."

 

 


	8. Familiar

After our conversation, we both leave to scavenge. She takes me aboard something she has clearly built and veers off into the horizon of the desert. She moves fast with confidence. I hold my arms tightly around her despite being uncomfortable. The sun burns my cheeks and causes me to strain my eyes. I don't quite know where she is going, but I trust her. I'm not sure why. She moves through a field of ruble dusted in sand and slows down near a giant machine then halting to a stop. 

"I need to bring the supplies in. I'll be right back. I promise." She assures me as she gets off her vehicle. 

I jump off right behind her as she hauls a sack of what appears to be garbage, to me, "I can carry some, Rey." I say as I tale behind her. 

"No," She shakes her head, "I got it." And indeed she does. She's stronger than I thought she may of been. Her small body moves around the corner of the machine and she disappears into an entrance. I follow behind her into the dark, and with a sound of a switch, the room lights up with different colors, red, yellow, blue, purple, orange, and green. She places the junk onto a wide counter with a thud of clanking metal. She whips around to look at me. 

"This is quite astounding." I look around at scarps formed into boards and things that look like small creatures. 

She shrugs, "Yeah," She says with a breath of confidence. She looks around for a beat, "We won't find any maps here." She lightly smiles, "Let's go." She walks past me out the door in a clear hurry. 

I let her pass me by, and I take a moment to sense her home. There isn't much but emptiness. She doesn't live with anyone else, yet I can sense hope though it's sparse. She dreams of a...family. The pain is so familiar, a distant memory of my own. I can feel her loss, her longing for her loved ones to come back, but they've been gone she can't even remember what they look like. She can't remember their last words were to her. She can't recall the name they called her. She doesn't remember the last time she was hugged or touched by anyone. She knows her fear that she felt when they left her, and all she knows now is this life of waiting, surviving. There's something else, a different sense mingled with all this loneliness she has. This is a feeling I recognize, but I cannot recall what this is. 

"Malta." She calls for me, and I cringe at the sound of that name. I walk out of the rainbow room, and she has her head turned at me, "What's wrong?" She stares at me, and I can feel her fear. It's odd and misplaced in my sense. 

"There's no problem." I nod. I don't want her to be suspicious of me, not that this would make much of a difference. She's a simple scavenger and likely will never leave this planet. No one will ever know about her. I take a breath, "Um...you live by yourself I take it?" I kind of ask. 

"For now, yes," She confirms what I say, "I have to wait for them." She says though the words seem rehearsed, "I just have to be patient." She must have told herself these thoughts a thousand times over, to not let go, to believe that they will reach you from wherever they may be.   
  


"Must be difficult waiting and not knowing." She looks down at the sand, "What if they don't come back?" I ask, and I strictly ask to see what she'd reveal. I know that's her greatest fear, and the truth, but she won't accept such. 

She gives me a hard look, "They  _will_ come back. I know it." She tries to build herself up with confidence, and for a child, it's convincing. I know she is strong, stronger than most I have come across, but if she can't let go, she'll become part of this land. She'll fade with all the dead of the old, and that's the saddest death than can exist. She's still a child though; she has a lot of time to do what most never will. Rey holds her ground and throws me another look, "Are we going to go or what?" 

A mild smile escapes, "Do you have a place in mind?" 

"Yes," She puts on her mask, "You just don't know it." Her voice muffles slightly, "Though I don't know if we'll find any maps. It's not what I usually look for." She adjusts her goggles. 

I was going to say I didn't necessarily need a map, but that wouldn't go over well. I nod, and I hop on behind her with my arms around her small frame. She takes off immediately at high speed. Though there's a tension in her that I can sense. I think she may be feeling odd about being held and uncomfortable about her family. She questions why she's doing this for me, what I want out of this, why I need a map, and to where. She's thinking deeply which concerns me about her driving, but she does excellent despite her outer thoughts. She doesn't let her feelings control her, for the most part that is, but her fear is well and alive. I can tell she is amplified by it, using this feeling to guide her, make her better at surviving.  

She goes farther out than I thought she would, and in the distance I see a village, small and quaint. This has a an indistinguishable sense, but why would she go here? We're supposed to be scavenging. I try to see within her, but it's fuzzy. She remembers words from another that are deep in her mind; someone told her about old relics, someone from here. 

Rey stops by a gate of stone, "I thought we were going scavenging." I say right behind her. 

She steps off and removes her head ware, "We were, but I remembered," She looks off at the village, "They can help you, Malta. There's all kinds of information here." She keeps looking as if she's trying to remember something, but it's too faint. 

"Alright. I trust you." I head off with her into the village. There isn't much, and if I didn't know the force, I'd say there isn't any soul here. The beings stay inside their homes, fearful of the outside world. I can also sense forces below, trying to hide. We move into the largest building we see, which isn't much in height. The doors croak when opened, and we see the face of an old man.

He turns his head at us, "Hello," He squints at Rey and mumbles foreign words. He stands in front of a podium with a piece of literature. The room is small with merely two doors right next to each other. Light shines on him from the circular line of windows making his clothing seem clean and bright. He walks slowly, and for my own sake, I walk up to him faster. I wasn't going to wait. He squints at me with a harsher gaze, "Who are you?" He leans into me, "And what are you here for?" His voice is cracked and strained. 

"Malta." I say rather haste, "And this is Rey. We're in search of a map." 

"Ah, well, I must say that is rather vague. What do you want to find?" He looks into my eyes, and then I sense it: a force within him. I know he sees me, and I panic. He holds his hand out towards my face, "A..." He looks at Rey, and I shake my head at him. 

 _I ask you to not reveal me, please, keep this between us._ I say to him, and his eyes light up. He swallows as he stares at me in awe. "Rey, can you give me a moment with this man." She nods and leaves the room. I can tell she is suspicious of my actions, but for the time, this is not a problem. I keep my gaze on the old man, "I am indeed a Jedi." I feel myself shiver at the thought. I hope he doesn't recognize that sense, "You have to keep my identity secret." 

He nods profusely, "Of course, I understand." He takes a beat, "This map you are looking for..." 

"Yes," I think for a second, "It's not entirely a map I'm in search of. I'm in search of Luke Skywalker," the words feel strange out loud, "If I can find anything of his, this will help me find him. Perhaps not as well as a map. I need any information you have." 

He sighs, and I can feel what he thinks, "Sadly, I don't have anything like that. For all I know, he could be dead. I never met him myself. I wish I could do more for you, as one Jedi to another, but I have but little. Honestly, I would not know if he owned any items I have. I am not as force sensitive as you seem to be." He looks at one of the doors, "That room there has some information, but frankly I'm not sure it'd be useful to you." He closes his eyes in a trance of thought, "Did you know him?" 

I wonder if I should tell him the truth, but for once, I choose to be open, "I did. He taught me until-" I stop, "He was a remarkable teacher." 

He shakes his head, "I've heard the stories." He looks me up and down, "If you need anything, I will help as best as I can. We have some food we can spare."   
"No," I say to him, and a burning arises within me, a power I haven't felt. I know this is him, Snoke. I breathe hard, and I look at the Jedi in front of me. He whispers in my ear, kill him, kill him...kill him. My hands shake, and I lift them in front of me. It would be easy to kill him, but that's...that's not a reason to kill anyone. He's not even a good Jedi. He couldn't fight me; he'd never win. Kill him, Snoke whispers to me. I have to, don't I? This is who I have to be, but he's old. He wouldn't do any harm. Do it anyway, Snoke whispers, he will hinder us. He wouldn't do anything; I am confident this is the truth. Look at him, Snoke slithers in my mind, he's a disgrace, killing him would aid you, do it. I rise my arm pointed at his throat. Yes, Snoke's whispers enthuse, you feel your power build. The man struggles to get out a breath. You can do better than that, he hisses. I feel my blood pumping hot and every cell in me is loud, and I can feel the Jedi's body breathing and shaking, holding on to what life he has left. I hold his throat away from me, and in an instant, I rip it out. The flesh flies into my hand, and the life within is still so alive. I don't like the feeling I have, but I do. I like this.   
In the background, there she is, watching me. Her eyes terrified, and without Snoke having to tell me, I know he wants me to kill her.


	9. Power/You

I am not going to kill Rey. I know this, no matter what he tells me. She's a child; her soul is pure, kind. I cannot bring myself to do it. She runs away at top speed, and I know what I have to do. My heart aches, but I am only doing what is right. I take off after her, and obviously, I'm much faster than she is. She grabs her staff from behind her attempting to hit me with it with all the might she has, but she does no damage to me. I turn at every swing she makes. She's crying, and I can feel her fear as if it were tangible. I tear the staff from her hands throwing it in a random direction. I hold my hands near her face, making her calm. She doesn't fight, she can't now. Her eyes grow blank as I allow her fear to flow to me. I shake from what she feels, and I push away the memory. I make her let go of this. 

Sounds of pain escape me, taking memories feels like death. I've connected myself to her, and I cannot sense where I begin and she ends. There's an overwhelming amount of information between the two of us. Our minds seem like space itself, vast and never-ending. I can barely hold on to those fresh memories; they seem to slip from my grasp. I pull them towards me, and with a breath of relief, I fall to the ground. My head stings, and I manage to stand on my feet. The pain feels heavy, almost unbearable. 

I look at Rey leaning against her vehicle. Her eyes are bright red and her skin is a blotchy pink. She's calm and confused. She blinks looking up at the sky and turn her attention at me. I'm not entirely sure how much information I took from her. I can't even believe that I was able to do this. She stares at me as if she was understanding what happened. She pens her mouth to speak, but she holds off, still looking at me. I look her in the eye, then she starts, "What happened?" Her voice is shaken. 

"I um..." I look at the building, "There were...ah raiders." I shake my head, "They knocked you out." I run my fingers through my hair. My lies are terrible. I look at her staff, "I fought them off." 

She squints at me, "You're lying." She stands straight, "Raiders don't come this way. They're afraid of the people here." She says with a sudden gusto. 

I sigh, "Let's go back."

She shakes her head at me, "No, no, I'm not going back with you." Her breathing is quicker, "I don't know you." She looks at her staff, then back at me, then back at the staff. She runs to pick it up off the ground and leaps onto her vehicle. 

"Rey," She pauses to look at me. 

"How do you know my name?" She looks more fearful than she had, "How!?" She yells. 

I take a step back as I look around the village and around the desert, "One of the villagers told me." I look at her youthful face, "Peace be with you, child." I step away and pass through the gate. I don't want to walk through the desert, but I can't be with Rey. I can feel her watching me, wondering who I am. I hope I didn't take enough of her memory to harm her in the long run. I hear her vehicle come coming past me, but she stops. Her beautiful brown eyes gaze down at me with kindness. 

"The nearest populace is too far to walk. I'll give you a ride." She holds out her hand to me, "Come on." 

She was indeed correct. The distance was too far for me to walk, "Alright," She pulls me behind her. 

"What's your name?" She asks for the second time, nearly breaking my heart. 

I close my eyes as she's in my arms. I say lightly to her like a secret, "Ateia." I swallow what I feel. I say even softer, "My name was Ateia."


	10. Leave, Protect

I can feel her thinking; her thoughts are loud and full of confusion. She can't link the missing pieces, and I know once we get to the market, I won't ever see her again. This shouldn't matter to me. I don't know her; we carry no lineage or bond, but when I look at her and portions of her thought, I feel something old stirring inside me. I remember an old life before, loneliness, and a longing to be loved. I don't want to remember, and I don't want Rey to live this life. I can't help her. I can imagine living with her, teaching her how to cook even though I don't know how, sowing clothing for her in only the brightest colors, gathering food from the forest, or playing out in the fresh snow. When I was Rey's age, I wanted that life more than anything. Maybe that was a life I could of lived, but I know that won't be our lives. I can't love anyone now unless it's from a distance. I know I just met Rey, but at the very least, a part of me loves her. I probably always will, as I don't love many, so I will never forget. 

Rey stops with a sharp turn, and I slowly climb down. She leans her head to the side, "Are you leaving?" She asks without any hope. She knows nothing about me, and yet, she wants me to stay with her. Her sweet blue eyes almost hurt to look at. 

I try not to look at her. I turn my head at the traders, "Yeah, I've got to go, um," I look at her for a fraction of a second, "Thank you for everything. Maybe I'll see you in the future." I slowly step away from her. 

"Goodbye, Ateia." She says quickly, but she doesn't move as fast. 

I've stopped moving, and we're both looking at each other waiting for the other to leave. She looks down at the sand almost like a begging child would. I look out to the distance where my ship is, "Would you like to see my ship?" 

She smiles brighter than anyone I've ever seen, "Yes! Where is it?" She beams with joy. 

I nod, "East of here, a mile away." I smile back at her, but I can't help but feel I've committed a wrong doing. I hop back on despite what I feel. 

We move quickly, and Rey is filled with excitement. Her happiness brings the feeling out of me, up until I think of what I did. I try to push the memory back, but it's not as if it can be taken away. I know what I did, and I know how I really feel about that Jedi. I close my eyes and focus on the sound of air rushing past the both of us. I bring my attention to how spirited she is, and I don't want to let go of this. She stares up gazing upon my ship, and I cannot quite tell if she is impressed or not. She closes to a stop right in front and quickly jumps off to begin examining. I follow behind her and watch her think. 

She moves back and forth with her hand gliding along the front, and she makes plenty of comments mostly to herself. She takes a look back at me, "This is amazing. How did you-Where did you get this?" She weaves back around and backs into a closer distance, "I've never seen anything like it. The design is ingenious. I would've never thought of it!" Her face is so full of joy, I myself laugh a little.

"I got it from my-" A memory flashes through me like fire in my chest, "father. He custom build this one, and many others. He is- _was_ very talented. Would you like to see the inside?" I pull the switch to open the ship, and I let her walk in first.

She steps inside like she was walking on glass, carefully observing everything in her sights. She says in a light whisper, "It's perfect...and new." She takes a seat in the cockpit sitting forward and straight. She looks at me again and allows herself to lean back in the seat. She twirls around a few times in a beautiful daze, but then she sits back up to be closer to the controls and looks out through the window. I can tell that she's thinking deeply. I move slowly, as if I was cautious, and take a seat next to her. She looks at me with gentle eyes, "Do you have a family?" 

"I did, not so long ago." I tap my fingers on the side of the chair. She nods with her own feeling in store. She's so grown up that it hurts to watch her this way. I add, "I had a big family. We protected each other, took care of one another." I shrug, "I suppose that is what normal families do anyway. I don't like to remember," I sigh, "But I can't forget either. I spent most of my life with them." I tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, "I waited for my...father to come back. I spent years wondering where he was, if he sent me any messages, or if he left anything behind for me. I thought if I was patient, and did what he taught me, that he would come back for me, but the longer I waited the more I realized I wasted my time." I look at Rey. 

I can tell she understands, "You're going to find him?"

"I want to, but that's not necessarily what I intended on finding..." The word lingers in my mind, a dark word, vengeance, "But I will always be searching for him. He's my family." My heart aches, and my hands runs over my collarbone. I can feel my eyes warming, but I am not going to cry. I won't allow it. 

She nods, "I understand. I'm waiting now, but I know they will come back." She assures me and herself as well, "When are you leaving?" 

"Perhaps after some sleep," I can tell this the end, "Maybe I'll stay a little longer. I don't know yet." 

"I hope you do." She looks down, but I can sense she doesn't want to leave, "I need to go. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow, Ateia." She gets out the chair like it's some sort of foreign object. She leaves painfully, and I can feel how she feels, not through the force but from memory. 

She steps off, and I can feel that pain coming back. I probably won't see Rey again, but I couldn't bare to tell her that. Was it wrong of me to give her hope where there was none? Is this how Luke felt to leave me? I start crying, and there it all is again, dead silence. She's going to hope that I come back. She's going to know there is a piece of her mind that is missing, and I'll be connected to her, not simply because I was kind, but because I have part of her. I make my own sounds of tired breathing and sniffling just like before, just like a child. I slump back in my seat and cover my eyes with my hands. I can feel the slithering, turning inside me. I cry harder and drift off in a sea of dark. 

 


	11. Connection

"You weren't told to come back." Ben says to me in the echo of his helmet.

I touch my face feeling the soft skin, and I remember that soon I will adorn the same kind of fashion. I told him nothing of what I was doing there, and I wasn't even there long enough to look for anything. All I found was sand, a brilliant young girl, and an old Jedi, now dead. I didn't even tell him that. He could know about the Jedi; Snoke most certainly knows. There isn't much to say, and he didn't ask for a report. He made a simple statement, a true statement, but here I am standing in front of him in my old clothes and new name without a word to say. I say the only thought that comes to mind, "I killed a Jedi." The words drift off as if I was talking about the weather, but to me the memory lays heavily.

"Why?" He asks, and it's not what I was expecting, "Was his death worth whatever you were trying to seek?" I don't understand what he is asking. 

_Whatever I was trying to seek._ He's not speaking in the manner I recognize as his. I was supposed to be seeking Luke; he must suspect I was on a different mission, but why would he think such a thing? I keep myself grounded, "All that I seek is to find Luke, and..." I think on the why of it, and I don't know. There is no answer other than Snoke, "I had to learn." Those are the only words I can utter, but they fail to make any sense. I did not learn anything from the experience other than how to rip out throats and to obey. 

"You did as Master asked then, that should have been your answer. You are only to obey." He says to me as if I am some cowardly student. He wants to take the step above me, or at least imagine it that way. He could not beat me; I'd kill him if Snoke didn't exist. He would have already been dead actually. He steps around me, "There is no need to be hostile towards me. We are allies, and your training will go much smoother if you acknowledge such, At-" He cuts my name short, "Malta." He pauses to look at me, and if I could see his eyes maybe I wouldn't feel so uncomfortable, "Get your uniform on. We have business to attend to." He demands. I stand behind him as he walk away. I simply watch him move with sharp but heavy steps, almost as if he just woke up and doesn't trust the ground to hold him. 

I do exactly as he says and pick up my uniform. Hux tells me it's in  _my_ room which is a few floors down, safely tucked away from any sort of bombs that could come crashing down and kill me. The door to my room is far away from anyone else's which leads me to believe it is larger than most. I open the rounded door, and I am not surprised. Same as most rooms in the order. Seemingly open, a large grey and black bed lays in the space with a night stand. Beside that there's a table with two chairs, and I notice a few books, old and tattered left for me. I know them immediately, but I don't know how he did. These were the books I touched, but he couldn't of known which books I touched. I suppose he could have anyway. There's a door in front of me and another beside it, merely a bathroom and a closet holding my uniform. In the bottom of the closet there lies my mask enclosed in a glass case. 

The mask isn't at all like Ben's. Mostly made up of shiny black metal and lenses for seeing, there are dark blue angles cut around the eyes following in the same color striped down the side. Over the cheek bones are silver slits, three on each side. This mask wouldn't cause me to blend. I would stand out. I set the glass case on the table to slowly remove the top. There's something familiar about this creation but in a way that makes me sick. My hand reaches out as if to touch the mask, and I can feel what this is made from: my oldest home. 

I can see visions of my mother and father. This was apart of them or apart of something they held dear. No one knows where I came from...except Snoke. He's deep in my mind, and he would do this. He most certainly would to  _make me stronger._ He wants me to live in my fears, in my past. He wants me to remember what was, but why? He could have fashioned me a mask made from the bones of-of those children. There's no sense in going back this far. Does Ben know what this is made from? He probably does, maybe Snoke did the same for him so he could always walk with guilt and anger in him every time he put on his mask. This kind of pain could change someone into a something. I don't want to become that. 

However, I don't have a choice anymore. I let the mask sit there as I put on my uniform. The pieces are similar to Ben's but much smaller, and I am aware of a dark blue line running down the front of my cape. This is the only difference besides my mask. I prepare myself to touch it, and when I do I can see everything. All the pieces of my short childhood dance in my mind with segments of their slow deaths and the tortures I endured. I can feel each moment just the same as I once did. I can feel my anger within me, childishly built throughout my years. I can recall their screams and even my own. I can call to mind the first death I ever caused in attempts to save my father. I remember every second that I've pushed back. 

I'm gritting my teeth as hard as I can, and I slip my helmet over my face. This feels like I'm trapped...and I am. The pain sinks into me, but is not anymore comfortable. I feel sick. I don't cry instead I grip the top of the mask as if I were to rip it off. I try to let myself settle, but this is impossible. I'm feeling far too much. How long will this take to adjust to? Likely, longer than I'd like to dwell on, so I leave quickly to Ben. 

On my way to meet him, I have a much harder time walking. I know the troopers are starring at me, wondering who I am. I think they must. The helmet even masks it a challenge for to focus on others. I can't linger into thoughts the way I normally do. This feeling is intoxicating, but I drudge on a to the top floor. I meet Phasma who reluctantly guides me into a room where Ben and Hux are making plans, but this seems more Hux than Ben. Ben looks out the window as if in thought. Hux leans over a table set with strategy and maps; he looks up at me, and now I can sense how powerful I look. 

He tries to look at me, but he avoids doing so, "We're making plans to destroy a resistance base." He says to me as if I was in charge of him. 

I manage to take a few steps toward him, "May I ask why?" Ben quickly turns around, but he doesn't say a word. 

Hux nods, "Yes, well, they have been costing us a great deal of resources. They are attempting to cut our supply chain which isn't too much of a problem, but we're spending a great deal more to avoid them. We simply can't afford to spend as much as we are. Our best option is to destroy the base. It'll save us a great deal in the long run of it." He affirms. 

I see why Ben isn't interested. He doesn't care about capital or politics, or more along the lines of he lacks the patience for that kind of world. I imagine he costs the order more than he knows, or cares, but he's not here for money. I nod, "Do you already have a plan in place?" 

Hux hesitates to speak, "Yes." His voice is shaken, "We believe it would be best if you lead the team, or..." He looked at Ben who moved to the table, "Or at least came along with them." 

"I agree," Ben says with his attention at me. He stares at me, and for the first time, I feel frightened, weakened even in his gaze, "Leave us, Hux." Without missing a beat, Hux leaves the room with relief, and Ben keeps his focus on me. He breathes softly, but loud enough for me to hear, "What are your questions?" 

"Can I take the mask off?" The words slip out of my mouth, but I am desperate to room the junk off of my head. 

"For now, you may, but in front of anyone else you must always bare the mask." He says in the form of demand. 

I quickly tear my head free from the metal and run my hands through my hair. I drop the mask on the ground. I don't even want to touch it let alone look at it, "Is your mask like mine?" 

"You mean from memories of the past? Then yes." He stands closer to me, and my skin crawls uncomfortable. I look at him out of the corner of my eye, but then I elect against it. I close my eyes to regain my focus, "How can I think? How do I grow used to the sensation?" He steps away from me to the other corner of the table, "I don't. I let the feeling settle within me, and when the time comes, I wield the formidable sense like any weapon. You will acquire this knowledge in your own time." His helmet gleams in the sunlight that shines through the window. 

"I am virtually useless with  _that_ on." I sigh at my own complaint. I know I have to wear the garbage no matter what. 

"I hope you don't get killed tomorrow because of  _that."_ He looks back at me, "I would be disappointed." 

"That would make two of us." There isn't much for me to say. I stare at his mask, and I wonder what memories could lie upon it. I feel almost certain he wouldn't tell me, but I ask him anyway, "What memories are apart of your mask?" 

He moves back towards me, and he slowly removes his helmet. In this light, I can better see his face. I forgot what he looked like, or rather, I forgot that he had aged. He holds the helmet out to me. I quickly move to touch the mask. There's a lot within this. I can see beautiful worlds and good memories. I can see his parents, but there is an illness that creeps in the shadows. The memories don't swirl together with good and bad. They crash into each other destroying what was good. I see confusion and fear turning into rage that spills over and destroys all the is loved. I see loss and betrayal. I witness once again the murders he committed, but not on his own in the way I had seen. He's with others, I don't know who they are. There is Snoke; Snoke is everywhere as if he is apart of Ben. I can see his father fearing for him, afraid of him. I can sense his good, his indifference, and his overall loneliness. There is so much of this that I begin to feel this myself. 

I let go, and he's looking at me for some kind of response, but he should know there is nothing, no world beyond Snoke. 


	12. Snoke

He needs a connection, to someone, anyone who can understand. He needs me, he thinks. He doesn't consciously know this information as he would never admit such an idea. I didn't tell him any of these thoughts. He may have guessed them himself, maybe.

I'm eating alone in my room as he said I should do. He's made it apparent that the troopers should not think me humanoid. Eating in solitude doesn't bother me; I've done this most of my life, but I hate that the only companionship I'm allowed to hold is with higher ranks. That's hardly true, I don't engage much with anyone other than Ben. He's the only one who doesn't see me as some kind of powerful droid-like being. I'm sure this is the design of Snoke. He's molded Ben the same way.

I am thankful for the solitude however. I don't have to bare the helmet, but this doesn't account for much. I only have...twelve more minutes until I have to go. I should be looking in these books or performing some sort of useful task. I've already finished my meal of hearty grains, mixed vegetables, and a large meat portion which is much more food than what I normally consume. I hadn't eaten any other meal today, so I don't feel too full from all the food. A young nutritionist named Buyu told me that I need to take in far more nutrients than what I have been. He even warranted me a look for not eating my breakfast. I admired his audacity, but he should probably be more careful, with others that is. I know they want me to greatly build my strength and my body weight. I heard them speaking about how small I was, and they couldn't understand how I went days without eating. It didn't match my species so they said. 

I now have ten minutes, and I look across the table at my slick black and blue helmet. I sigh to myself. In the same instant, there's a knock at my door. I know I'm supposed to put on my helmet, but I still have ten minutes. I answer the door to find a trooper of lower rank, "Can I help you?" 

"Ma'am." He pauses. He holds a box out in front of me. 

"What is it?" I look at metallic, shiny black box glimmering in the artificial light. 

"I am only to deliver this to you. I have no knowledge of the contents within." He says blankly with a hint of...suspicion, maybe. 

I squint at him, or rather his figure. He doesn't seem like a person; if I was not force-sensitive, I could treat him blankly. I would see just as robotic-ally as the rest, but I can feel his life like wind in my face. My eyes tell a different story to my mind. I feel the negativity weighing against me. He's going to report me. I cannot tell if this would be a problem for me. I ask him, "You're going to report me?" I flash my eyes up to where I think his might be. 

He tilts his head down, "I'm supposed to." He says as he should. He takes a long pause, and I let him, "You're that woman?" His voice rises with curiosity, not fear like I would have expected. 

"Yes," I swallow, "And you're Eighty Seven, right?" I admit I feel frightened that he remembers me. If only I had worn that damn helmet. I don't want to kill him, or...or do what I did to Rey. I run my fingers over my hair, "Come in." 

He shakes his head, "No, I can't." He looks around. 

I grab him by the shoulder and shut the door behind him. He accidentally drops the box on the ground, and whatever is inside smacks the side with a bang. Eighty Seven doesn't do anything. He's startled, and clearly, he hasn't dealt with a situation like this. I stand in front of the door, "I apologize for what I made you do before." 

"How about right now?" His voice cracks as it hits a high pitch, "I can get in trouble because of you! I wasn't even supposed to deliver that package." He sighs loudly inside of his helmet, "I have to go, or I'm going to be late." He walks toward the door, "Please, don't make me late. I have perfect attendance." He begs me. 

I look down at my wrist. I have six minutes, "How old are you?" 

"I'm fourteen, not that it matters." He takes a step closer to me, "I won't report you. I don't even know who you are anyway." He sighs once more, "Can I go?" 

I step aside for him and watch him leave. They train these soldiers so young. When I destroy the base, will I be doing so with children? The memories burn freshly through my mind. Ignore the thought, push it all away. Take a breath, put on the mask, and go. I do just that. 

While the feelings singe the fibers of my soul, I push on through walking unevenly. This is the last task of the day, but the hardest at that. It's been a long day, I think quietly in the vicinity of my own head. I only have to meet with Snoke on my own before we destroy the base. I march through the halls, and there it is, the doorway. The doors are already open...Ben is in there. He should be somewhere else, he's...he's not supposed to be here. His presence matters little. Would our meeting be any different if he weren't here? 

I step inside, and eyes have already fallen upon me. I bring my attention only to Snoke, my master. He turns his one good eye away from me and looks back at Ben. I do the same to see he doesn't have his helmet on. I want to be angry about it  _not being fair,_ but I'm no child. Snoke speaks, "You are quite early." 

"Three minutes precisely." I confirm. 

"Yes..." He breathes, "You don't have to wear your helmet in my presence." He says. I almost want to glare at Ben, but I leave that feeling be. I can't act like an angry adolescent. Leave my feelings behind, I soak the idea in as I remove my mask. I can see much clearer now causing his eyes to be even more piercing. I set my helmet down beside me, "You didn't get your new lightsaber?" He asks. 

I should have known that's what it was, but I have no need for a new saber. Mine is perfectly capable. I stand tall, "The lightsaber I have now is in perfect condition. I forged this weapon myself. There is no better saber for me." My words are slick and heavy, carrying damage in their path. 

"Sentiment..." He says lowly, "There is no need for those feelings. They will carry you astray." 

"It has nothing to do with sentiment." My words are quick, "But if sentiment wasn't important," I pause to gain my ground, "Why does my helmet carry around dead memories? You want me to feel what I felt before, from...sentiment. What is the point, supreme leader?" I sneer. 

"If you weren't so foolish, maybe you would see beyond your small thoughts. You hold on to sentiment because you are a child yet. You are fueled purely on your emotions." His voice builds, "You know all of this. If you leave all that you feel behind, just like as you think, you can become one of my greatest students." He lets his drumming voice echo, "But do not test me, I won't hesitate to crush you. You can never over power me, even if you believe that is your plan now." He looks straight across the room, "I had a student once not too different from you, Malta. He held a similar idea, that he could kill me." He seems to reminisce for himself, but he fails to make a point, "He's long dead now, as he deserves, but I taught him well. I will teach you the same and carve you the way I have Kylo." He mildly leans forward, "Despite all you think of me, I will do this for you."

I thought came over me, but I didn't allow myself to expose it. I kept in the back of my mind for later when he wasn't here, or wasn't in front of me. I prevented looking him in the eye, "And I'm sure, in time, I will be grateful." I swallow my pride, "You are correct about me, and you are indeed far more powerful than I. I don't believe that will change any time soon." 

"Of course it won't." He shoots his words quickly, "However, I will allow you to use your own lightsaber. In the battle tomorrow, I will be with you." He says similar to a way a parent would talk to a child. Then he fades away leaving a blank wall, but he's aura still lingers heavily in the room. 

I glance at Ben, but he's already looking at me. I understand now. I see how Snoke fits in to his life. He ripped his way through Ben's life in order to hold a place that was already taken. He didn't simply want to be his master, no, he desired a roll more sickening. He wanted to be his father. 

 

 


End file.
